Q: When is change the answer, and when is it an excuse?
It's been an entire year since I was an Actual Real Life Athlete, and I've been a graduate for almost the same. A few months later, my best friend moved interstate and then my boyfriend moved to Germany. At some point in my life, I found myself edging to my mid-20s, closing chapters, and confused with hand hovered as to where the next sentence started.
It's easy to get down in the dumps when people you thought would be with you forever are suddenly no longer there, whether it's physical displacement or other. I caught up with a friend the other day to have her tell me that she'd started to find her friends were no longer the Kick Ass Females she once thought they were, but toxic women who did nothing to empower her. My own friendships were compromised (more on that later) and I realised that change is not always necessarily a good or bad thing, but an inevitable thing that just seems to happen as life goes on.
Having had my dumb 'ol boyfriend (who is not dumb, but very smart, and very kind) move away wasn't overly frightening, because being single for 22 years meant that I became very good at being single. What it was, was discomfort. Discomfort in having to order one meal knowing you can't taste the option he'd usually get, feeling like you're caught in a limbo where physical affection is impossible, and emotional and mental romantic capacities are challenged because you're waiting 11 hours for a text back.
So, I kept myself busy with my part-time job, and cut my hair much to my mothers dismay. I finally saved up enough money to buy a new laptop and I found exercise I actually enjoyed. However, it wasn't until I found my old proposal for university exchange when things changed. It read that I lusted for the glorious erudition of travel (or something along those very passionate lines), and suddenly I knew what I missed, the feeling of challenge.
I'm 24 and bored.
This is not okay.
So, one day I went to the travel agent with very little money and left with a one-way ticket to the UK.
I miss being knocked around by life a little bit, and I know that this is a very, very, VERY privileged feeling. Knowing this, I decided to tick something off my bucket list, to move abroad where I knew no one and find a job in my industry. I think people assume I'm moving away to be closer to my now Germany-based fellow (I really don't know anyone who uses the word 'fellow' anymore, sorry) and it frustrates me to no end. People also assume I'm running away to another country because I think it'll be some blissful experience where I'm travelling every second week, making bank and drinking Aperol Spritzs at sunset.
Well, I don't like Aperol, and I know there will be times of crushing home sickness, and periods of wondering why in the EFF I ever put myself in such a lonely position?
Here's why:
1. If you're feeling that your job is not making you a better person, you are not making a difference, or is not challenging you, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
2. If you are feeling loneliness, DO SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU EXPLORE YOU, do something that will test you, and learn something new about you.
3. If you are feeling stuck, MOVE. It doesn't mean get up and buy a plane ticket out of there, but it does mean do something that is different from your monotonous life that is making you feel like you are drowning. YOU ARE A SWIMMER GODDAMNIT.
4. If your gut is telling you something is wrong. LISTEN. But also, in some cases LISTENING TO YOUR HEART will be the most stupid, most irrational decision you will make, but it will also be wonderful and TRUE.
5. The worst thing that could happen, really isn't that bad. You'll either look back at a decision and think it was the best decision of your life, or a decision you'd never make again or make differently BECAUSE YOU LEARNT FROM THE FIRST TIME.
The bottom line, is that there will be times where you find yourself feeling hopelessly alone, infinitely stuck. I found my sigh of relief when I DECIDED to throw myself in the deep end. Nothing makes you feel more in-control of your own life than calling the shots and making finite decisions. Being autonomous in my resolutions (as well as discussing them with friends) has empowered myself, and tricked me into thinking I've navigated challenges. Coming from the Worlds Most Indecisive Woman, I can say with extreme confidence, that committing to an option, making a decision, any decision, was the most liberating thing I could do in times of confusion.
I hope you find, quite frankly the stupidity, to just decide to try something different. It really just might be life changing.
Love always,
Enid