No, this is not like the movie of which I ripped off the title. It won’t be about the wonderful and not-so-wonderful nature of parenthood, but address what I’ve found when I travelled half way across the globe in search of something.
As my previous post outlined, I bought a one-way ticket to the UK (Edinburgh to be exact) to rid myself of my comfortable Sydney-born, parent-dependent Privilege Padding. I told other people, and myself constantly that I just didn’t know what to expect (said with a little laugh thrown in somewhere just to show how nonchalant and cool I was about the whole thing). I said I’d just see what happened, and that I didn’t expect anything. This wasn’t necessarily true, because of course having been born to a household of loving parents, in the suburbs of Sydney, and educated in the private schooling system, I was used to getting what I wanted. This is not to say I didn’t work hard, and I’m (I hope) very far away from the Veruca Salt stereotypes. However, I checked the boxes, and I thought I’d somewhat paid my dues.
What an arsehole.
You see, growing up with Korean parents, it was assumed I’d get good grades, then a good ATAR, then study at a good university, and graduate, finish off my gymnastics career on some spectacular all-time high, then get a good job, and have a good life. I checked the boxes I was assumed I would. I was the dutiful daughter and I felt I did everything the way I was supposed to.
So, when I bought a one-way ticket out of my kushy bubble, it was a stroke of spontaneity that surprised the people around me, let alone myself. I came to the UK only having partially completed my UK VISA application (stupidity), and found I was unable to apply whilst over here. Spanner in the Works Number One. I was unsuccessful at obtaining a job in Copenhagen which I’d interviewed for (it was my very first interview so I don’t know why I was expecting otherwise). Spanner in the Works Number Two. I found I was jobless and unable to continue my lavish bakery habits. Spanner Number Three. And then I found I was sitting through periods of panic. They’d catch me at unexpected moments, like when I would be waiting for the bus, or eating lunch. I call them having “a panic” because my brain goes fuzzy, and my face paralyses in to some kind of empty skin sack and all the lights go off. They’re uncomfortable, and bewildering because I’d be in a new country, or some other equally lucky situation. So now I was scared of the thing I’d come to seek. Which brought us up all the way to Four Damn Spanners.
I think secretly I was expecting some kind of a perfect “Devil Wears Prada” situation. I wanted to work hard and I was ready to be thrown in the deep end, but without having to walk to wherever I was going to jump from. I expected to be driven to the edge, and perfectly parked so then I could delve in. I’d trained for hours and studied when I had to. I travelled to Italy to compete and wasn’t even allowed to have gelato or pizza!!! I’ve made sacrifices. Something had to give. Right?
Wrong.
Life, and I mean actual life, wasn’t at all generous. I mean, I knew this, but I expected luck. I expected for my trusty old equation of hard work = great pay out to work for me this time around, and really, it just wasn’t realistic. I’ve found that there is true joy in little moments found through spontaneity; seeing the castle walking to town in Edinburgh, or watching young children peer out the window seat of the plane in wonderment at the vastness of below. I’ve also found that depending on luck, and on some kind of fair give-and-take transaction with the Universe, is naive. Sure, at some point something will happen. I’m going to have to actively wait, to fill my time with productivity, and see what comes of it.
I may be home in a matter of weeks, despite the discomfort, I hope I’m not.
Ultimately, we control the way our lives may turn out, and I’ve been seeing a lot of that written around lately. As a Virgo (yes, I still believe in the ethereal cosmic universe, sue me), I know somethings are unexplainable and I accept these highs and lows. I believe in fate and to trust the timing of your life. I hope I can write about how confusing moments such as these become successes or lessons. I’ll let you know.
Love always,
Enid
** To be fair, I’ve technically been in Edinburgh for a total of 4 days.
